Guilt - Annual Kol Nidrei Service

Liturgical Materials for Sunday the 15^th of September, 2002

Mark Belletini, Minister First Unitarian Universalist Church of Columbus, Ohio

Opening Words [Next] [back to top]

We are here
to ponder our lives freely
in the embrace of a warm September day.
Word and music, image and silence
all come together in this place
in the service of our peace and unrest.
May we find in this time and place a deep home
in the middle of this remarkable Alleluia
we call the universe. And throughout this day

(together) may our reason and our passion
keep us true to ourselves, true to each other
and true to those shared visions of what we can together become….

Prayer before the Silence [Next] [back to top]

A few crisp oak leaves fall early,
and blow noisily along the sidewalk,

A few feathers from birds now looking southward flutter onto the drying grass.

And I too imagine free falling today,
letting go of all that I've clung to so tightly…images of myself,
images of others,
memories that have shaped me too long,
insights that no longer serve,
grudges that are more about me
than about anyone else.

I too imagine looking in a different direction, facing those warmer directions of the spirit
where some of the coldness
I have allowed in my heart can thaw.
I too imagine lightening my self
a bit so I might fly, molting and dropping
everything extra and unnecessary for a while.

(the following sung to the tune: Hashiveinu)

turning, turning, turning, turning,
flying free unburdened.

Free, free, flying free,
let me, let go….
breathing free, breathing free,
yes, breathing to live free..

(silence)

Remembering here all those we have loved
and who have loved us, we set aside a portion of our time together to remember and savor the gifts we have been given from others, that our lives might be glad and free.

Aloud,, or in silence, we name those who have blessed us with their lives….

(naming)

Y'varech'cha Shalom v'yishm'recha,

and may all children in the world, whether they live along the Olentangy or the Euphrates, live to inherit a world of peace, not war, of love, not hate, and may it be in our own days, veimru, Amein.

First Reading [Next] [back to top] comes from the Scroll of Bereshith, or Genesis. It is an edition from a rich and amazing story told by the Elohist, the name we give to one of the four chief authors of the Torah. In this story, a large family is torn apart by envy, jealousy and pride. The beautiful Yusef is a spoiled young man and crows about it. His siblings eventually get so envious of his position with their parents that they plot to get rid of him. They attack him and intend to kill him, but cooler heads prevail and instead of killing him they sell him into slavery down in Egypt. However, in a cruel turn, they dip their brother's beautiful long-sleeved tunic into blood and tell their parents that Joseph was mauled and killed by a desert beast.

Yusef, however, through a series of unbelievably lucky events, rises from slavery to power, becoming at last the viceroy of Egypt, second only to the king. When a prevalent famine disrupts agriculture all over Asia and Africa, families come to buy grain in Egypt, which has carefully prepared to survive the famine, due to Yusef's wise planning. The family is ushered into the presence of Yusef himself to ask for grain, but they do not recognize him, since he now dresses in fine linen, like an Egyptian, and is clean shaved and covered in a wig.

"Where are you from?" asked Yusef.

"From the Low-lands up north (Heb. Kanaan) to buy food," they answered. "Frankly, I think you are spies, you Lowlanders," said Yusef harshly. "I think you are here to check out the lay of this land."

"No, No! Your Highness," they protested. "We are only a large family from the Lowlands hungry for food. Our aging father and our youngest brother are back home, and the rest of us have come just for food."

"You may have your food," said Yusef, "but not until you bring me your younger brother.

If you are really honest people, one of you has to stay in prison here as a ransom. The rest of you have to go back to the Lowlands and then return with your brother. This will prove to me you are telling the truth, and I will not have to execute you all for being spies."

They agreed to do so. But they spoke among themselves in their own language: "This is happening to us because we are all guilty for selling our brother into slavery. He pleaded with us for mercy, and we just looked upon him unmoved."

Reuven spoke up then. "Didn't I tell you this would happen?" he cried. "I warned you. You didn't listen, and so now comes this reckoning for his blood."

Now since they had been speaking to Yusef through a translator, they did not know he knew what they were saying. But he did, of course, and having heard what they said, he turned from them and wept.

Second Reading [Next] [back to top] is a poem by Wislawa Szymborska, of whose poetry, as you well know, I never get tired. In Polish the title is Pochwala zlego o sobie mniemania, and in English, according to one translation,"In Praise of Not Always Thinking Good of Yourself."

The buzzard never says it's to blame.
The panther doesn't have a clue about scruples.
Piranhas do not doubt the rightness of their course.
If snakes had hands, they'd claim they're clean..

A jackal doesn't understand remorse.
The locust, bottle-fly, alligator and lice
don't waver in their work. Why should they? They know they're right.

The hearts of killer-whales weigh a ton,
but in every other way, they're pretty light.

On this third planet from the sun,
there is nothing more animal like
than a clear conscience.

Sermon: Guilt - Annual Kol Nidrei Service [Next][back to top]

I preached on the idea of Shame a few years ago. And so I think it best to be clear, right off the bat, that this is not a repeat of that sermon. For guilt and shame are not the same thing. No, not at all, although I admit they can exist side by side in the same person. So can love and hate. But no one confuses those two feelings, like they do guilt and shame.

So let me try to be as clear as can be….guilt is the awareness of, or the fact of, or the responsibility for, wrongdoing. It is not necessarily a negative emotion (though it can be, certainly).

Shame, on the other hand, is always a negative emotion. It's an emotional state which combines feelings of personal dishonor or worthlessness. In some ways, it resembles ordinary embarrassment. But with shame, you're not embarrassed because of what you've done, but because of who you are.

You are ashamed to be shy, or boisterous. You are ashamed of your weight, your height, your looks, your hair, your clothes, your level of education, your success level, however defined, your sexual prowess, your abilities, or lack of them, your personality. But you don't feel guilty for such things.

Guilt, on the other hand, is most often a feeling or stabbing recognition that you have done something wrong. You don't feel ashamed about it necessarily, you simply are aware that you did something wrong.

Now I have never taken a scientific poll, but I would wager I hear about guilt at least five times more often than I hear people talking about shame. Actually, I hear people offer what sounds like bragging to me about how much guilt they feel. "I was raised in a Jewish family, so naturally, I feel guilty all the time." Or, "I was educated by strict nuns in Our Lady of Lourdes where, no matter what I did, it was wrong, and I felt guilty day and night. I constantly went to confession so I could feel less guilty." Or, "I was raised in the Southern Baptist Church (or Church of Christ, or Presbyterian Church, or Methodist Church, you name it), where I was told that I was born guilty, and was a totally depraved creature from birth. Since then I live and breathe guilt day and night. I feel guilty to breathe, practically."

Well, I wonder after hearing all these claims, which guilt really is the pre-eminent guilt of the world? Jewish guilt, Catholic guilt or Protestant guilt? I don't remember any of my Hindu, Muslim or Buddhist friends making these claims, but then, maybe I just wasn't around when they were talking this way. Come to think of it, my old friend Radhovan, who was raised in a Muslim family, told me he is not religious anymore because "religion does nothing but make people feel guilty." This is a truism I have heard often, from many, many a mouth.

Since I don't know of any studies which have put all of these claims to the test, I decided that the very least I could do would be to check the scriptures themselves and see how often guilt is splayed across the pages. Now since I had a busy week, I decided to save time by just checking out the Western scriptures and leave the Muslim Qu'ran, the Indian Bhagavad Gita and the Buddhist Pali Canon for another day.

Well, here's the story. In the Tanakh, the Hebrew scriptures, the word "guilt," in any of its grammatical forms, is used a grand total of 16 times. And in every case but one, it means "guilty" in the legal sense, that is, so-and-so is guilty of such-and-such a crime. In the New Testament, the Christian scriptures, the word "guilt," in any form again, is used a grand total of six times, and in one case it's a bad translation of the Greek word opheilo which literally means "to be indebted."

Now this surprised me. The word "shame" appears hundreds of times. But "guilt?" Hardly ever.

So where does all this sense of feeling guilty I hear about all the time come from? Certainly not from the Scriptures themselves.

So it must be that churches and synagogues have traditions that go well beyond the scriptures. For example, in the book of Exodus there is a rule which says: "You shall not boil a baby goat, that is, a kid, in its mother's milk." Frankly, it's never something I was tempted to do in the first place, but I wondered what it meant. So I looked it up in a Jewish source book. Originally, this was a form of animal sacrifice used by the indigenous people in the country called the Lowlands, or Canaan. Like almost all the other dietary or kosher (kashrut) rules found in the scriptures, this rule originally had to do with cultural boundaries…you know, something to do with not behaving like the Canaanite Jones family next door. "You don't want to be like they are, do you, eating sacrifices of wild boar, boiling a kid in its mother's milk? Those guys are weird. Don't be like them. Be different."

But later, some of the rabbis enlarged this scriptural sentence. They enlarged this rule to mean "No mixing meat with milk products." No more Beef Stroganoff. Some Jews, as some of you know, even keep two sets of plates, to avoid mixing meat and milk, even in the tiniest possible proportions. But none of this is in the scriptures. It's all …well… expanded.

So obviously, religious teachings grow beyond their origins, and religious people become obsessed with things their founders never imagined. This doesn't strike me as surprising, nor, in all cases, as a terrible thing.

Jesus never said a word about sexuality. Not a word. But some of his followers certainly think he must have. Believers like Mr. Graham and Mr. Kellog, of cracker and cereal fame respectively, were so caught up with the sexual wrongdoing they called "self-pollution" that they invented finely ground grain products to feed to teenagers so as to soften their sexual needs aimed at self-pleasure. And, even so late as our own era, a courageous and outspoken Surgeon General was sent packing faster than lightning, for just suggesting that it's OK to actually mention such things to our youth without embarrassment or shame. Not a word in the Bible about such things, mind you. But how many millions of young people have been tormented, in both their religious faith and their sexuality, with guilt because they didn't know that?

But there you have it…plenty of folks walk around feeling guilty about all sorts of things not found in the Bible.

So the first problem having to do with guilt stems from this. Three quarters of the things we are told are "wrong-doing," or sins, by some of the religious communities we may have been raised in, are just foolish ideas to begin with.

We are taught often to feel guilt about things that are really quite inconsequential. It may be a fine discipline to not eat meat on Fridays, but to call a bite of bacon on Friday a "mortal sin worthy of hell," as they used to do, is just plain foolish. Disciplines are fine. There is nothing at all wrong with skipping meat on Fridays, or Tuesdays, or everyday for that matter. The discipline of vegetarianism is superb. Those who keep a Kosher kitchen or eat Hallal meats are doing fine things. But eliciting guilt in children about not following such disciplines, as was done with me when I was a child, is simply wrong, in my book.

It's this kind of thing that many religious institutions have excelled at, unfortunately. I am sad when I see a reduction of something as beautiful as the contemplation of the wonder of life and death (which is what religion is at its best), into a sordid little calculation of guilt over a thousand inconsequentials.

However, neatly blaming "religion" universally for one's feelings of guilt is a little over-blown to me, and reveals a little laziness in the thinking department. Plenty of folks were raised without religion in this country, and some of them still feel plenty of guilt about certain things that are foolish to feel guilty about. You see, far more central than religion in this guilt business is the effect of the family and the clan. Family systems can twist shame and guilt into nooses that it takes forever to get off from around one's neck. It's because of difficult family systems, almost always involving guilt as a means of control, that some folks confuse shame with guilt. Some family systems wind and bind these two forces together into a tight knot, acting out generations of patterns. Sometimes they do this with such finesse that it really is difficult to see guilt and shame as distinct. They are almost fused.

But hear me. Just because a million false reasons for guilt clog up our hearts does not mean a guilt-free life is the goal. Not at all. Not at all.

I see it this way. Guilt, in and of itself, is no more worse than pain. Pain is the system shot through our entire body to let us know that something is wrong. If I stepped on a rusty nail and didn't feel it, my foot might get infected before I even noticed that something was in it and pulled it out and disinfected it. Pain is simply a wiring in our system that warns us. Admirably. And when we get that warning, we are supposed to do something to make the pain stop.

Constant, or what is called chronic, pain is no good, of course. It's a sad reality we are only learning now how to treat. I know plenty of people with bad backs or joints who have had to learn to live with such pain. I stand before them dumbfounded that they have to live with such a burden. But that kind of pain is a sad thing, not a good thing. One day we will find pain-killers that alleviate such pains. That will be a glad day.

But pain, in the short run, is a very helpful reminder that something needs to be done quickly, some change has to be made right now.

Guilt, good guilt, is no different. It reminds us we have done something wrong. It reminds us that we had best make amends, or change our behavior, or do something. But if the guilt lasts and lasts ("beyond thirty three seconds," is what I usually say), and we don't start to look for ways to change our behavior, then I submit we have a serious problem. Long-lasting guilt is foolish. It is neurotic guilt. It is just as sad and as useless as enduring chronic pain. Except in this case, something can be done about it, unlike with chronic pain.

This constant, chronic guilt is of no positive use. A person can hide behind such massive quilts of guilt. A person can avoid responsibility forever behind them. Guilt becomes a way of denying reality after a while. When folks brag about how guilty they feel, I confess I am often not terribly sympathetic. "Do something about it," I want to say to them. "Do you think you should get a prize for feeling guilt? I don't. I think you are throwing some of your precious life away. Please don't ask me to thank you or praise you for doing so."

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have guiltless people. These folks are like piranhas or jackals, Szymborska tells us. Such folks are conscienceless. Sociopathic or psychopathic, in modern psychological parlance. Frankly, I don't want to be in the same room as a guiltless person. I would eventually find it quite scary, no matter how charming they were. I used to work with such people in an institution and, believe me, my experience was a chilling education.

And you know as well as I do that whole cultures have been based on this idiotic ideal of guiltlessness. You don't have to be sociopathic to become a killer. Reducing your guilt will allow you to cross all sorts of boundaries you had never thought you could cross. For example, the Nazis knew that if their people thought that their enemies (Jews, Gypsies, gay people, communists, Christian critics, Unitarians, Jehovah's Witnesses, the disabled etc.) were actually human beings with real lives, then no one could bring themselves to pull the levers in the gas chambers. But, if you tell people these human beings are not really human beings, if you tell them they are vermin, mere bugs, you relieve people of their guilt, and they will do anything you want, because who goes into ethical convulsion about giving the Orkin Man a call? No one except a few Jains from India, those amazing religious people who often sweep the ground in front of them to avoid accidentally stepping on a bug. And I'd wager that even some of them mindlessly swat flies on bad days.

So no, guiltlessness does not impress me, it scares me. And the overly guilty…they annoy me…I think they may be hiding something from themselves and don't want to deal with it. Which means I often have to deal with it in disguise. And I don't relish doing that, personally.

And the fabled "white guilt?" A waste of time, if it continues without self-examination. Better to do something…work on understanding the institutionalism of racism in this country for example. So, by God, if you are white and feel a generalized "guilt," then work on ending that feeling by addressing its source. Try to note if you are being patronizing to people of color. Make real friends with folks different than you. Stop talking about wanting the comfort of being around "like-minded people" all the time. Try to make assumptions less, and ask questions more. If you do all of these undeniably difficult things, I assure you, your guilt will fade quickly because you are turning to face the issues it itself is raising.

The one place in the whole Bible where guilt is associated with deep feeling is the story of Yusef (or Joseph, as we say in the English Bible). Yusef weeps, clearly a sign of deep feeling. What is he feeling? Guilt. Why? Because he is tormenting his siblings to get back at them for tormenting him. He is being cruel, spiteful and vengeful. But he overhears one of his brothers confessing his guilt over what they had done as a team. And he knows that they have felt remorse too. And so he weeps in guilt, and begins to face the uselessness of getting revenge on people. It's a beautiful story, really, that has a happy ending with the whole family restored, all the guilt thrown away.

But the restoration happens, clearly, because everyone feels guilty, admits their wrong-doing, and then makes peace. Real peace, not "make-nice" peace where nothing is really on the table.

And it's this feeling of guilt that's one of the things Yom Kippur and its famous Kol Nidrei is about. It's about feeling what we really feel for a few moments, getting in touch with what needs to be done to restore relationship, and then promising afresh to do it, dropping the guilt by the wayside when it's done being useful.

It's about turning and weeping, or whatever form our remorse takes. For I'd wager there are few of us who have escaped a broken relationship at some time in our lives…or in the last year, for that matter. Yom Kippur is about many things…how to forgive, about which I have preached many sermons, and how to feel less shame and more joy, which is another sermon I've given. This year, I am preaching on the dread word "guilt," which so many hate, but which so many feel. Next year, who knows what topic will seize my heart. For this is a rich, rich, rich feast, that's for sure. Inexhaustible.

But a wise one.

So here's a small toast to guilt. Not too much now. Just a little. Effective guilt. Helpful guilt.

Yes, yes, we will have to spend a lot of time refining our consciousness so that we are not feeling guilty for stupid things…that goes without saying.

But that's good, satisfying work, I think, no? I can't imagine not wanting to do such work.

And there will never come a day when we are done with wrongdoing forever and live perfect, unhurtful, unhurting lives. I've lived long enough to know that's a fairy tale if there ever was one. And that's why this feast comes around every year…

May we welcome its wisdom this year and next, and may all of our names still be written in the book of life when this day comes around again.

Kol Nidrei [back to top]

Gone are the promises we made
because of pressure or praise.

Gone are the promises we made
because of shame or guilt.

Gone are promises and vows we made
because of habit, because of custom, or
because of confusion.

Gone they are, vanished! I see them no longer.They are no more.

Gone the excuses for why I can't.

Gone the vows I made to confirm my vanity.

Gone the dreams I dreamed that cut me off
from everyone else's dream.

Gone my vow to never have dreams,
so that I could carry my future in my dark little pocket.

Gone, vanished, just like that!

As magically as sunset, as wondrously as moonset,
it disappears, this habit of refusing to live on the edge.

The paper is blank, the field is empty, the map has not been made. The guarantees are gone. And, thus, now I can begin to set down my burdens, and define myself no more by my failings.

Nishmat hayay tevarykh v'kherev libi yahshir: Kol od neshamah bekirbi.

The breath of my life will bless, the cells of my Being sing in gratitude, awakening!

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